What changing plans with a chronic illness can look like 1.0

How an ideal 4-day backpacking trip can change into a mishmash of outdoor activities when things don't go as planned.

Day 1 & 2 - Backpacking Timberline Trail Section

We originally planned on doing a backpacking trip in Goat Rocks Wilderness in Washington, but due to a fire, we had to change our plans and decided to try backpacking the Timberline Trail.

We ended up only doing one night and getting off trail at Ramona Falls Trailhead. We had a variety of issues that contributed to our decision to get off trail. For me, it was because my body wasn't ready for backpacking yet, and I was in a lot of pain. The first day, I had multiple sensory overload episodes and a few dissociative episodes while on trail, which was terrifying to experience. The pain was excruciating, and it wasn't something I could push through — I was already hurting myself doing what I did.

I still felt very accomplished because we ended up having to do all the water crossings wet. I was able to face one of my fears from the last time I did parts of the Timberline Trail. I felt embarrassed and overwhelmed that my body wasn't able to do more, but I was proud of myself in hindsight for getting off trail when I needed to.

After getting picked up, we went back to my place and relaxed during the afternoon while figuring out what we wanted to do over the rest of the days my cousin and uncle were in town. Some of us ended up napping, and it felt nice to just be. It was wonderful to sleep in a real bed!

Day 3 - Lookout Mountain and Swimming in Timothy Lake

We woke up and decided to go on a day hike I'd proposed the previous day. We drove to the High Prairie Trailhead and hiked up to Lookout Mountain. A smoky haze had moved in, so we were only able to see Mt. Hood and the wilderness area close by, but even without full visibility from the peak, it was well worth the hike. I was in quite a bit of pain due to some overuse injuries and just being sore from backpacking the previous two days. We finished our hike around 1 p.m.

My cousin asked if maybe we could go to Timothy Lake and swim this afternoon, and then go downtown tomorrow. We were all down for that, so we drove to Timothy Lake and parked at a day-use area. We hiked part of South Shore Trail until we found an empty spot along the shore. My cousin and I got in the water and swam while my dad and uncle only dipped their feet in. It was in the 80's, so the water felt rather refreshing. After being in the water for a bit, we hiked further down the trail to dry off a bit, just taking it easy and talking. We then headed back to the car and drove home.

Day 4 - Downtown Portland

The sensory overload was starting to catch up with me, and I made the decision of whether I'd go downtown the morning of. I was feeling rather overdone, but I really wanted to go downtown with my cousin. It had been a while since I'd last been to Powell's Books, and I was really looking forward to exploring the store again. The car ride there was rough for me sensory-wise, but my meds kicked in and helped me get through the rest of the day. We first went to the PSU farmers market, which was really cool to experience. After that, we all individually explored Powell's for an hour, then met up again. We walked to some food carts close by and got lunch. The food was really good. My cousin and I then went and walked along the waterfront while my uncle went and got the car. He picked us up and we drove to Clackamas Town Center to meet my mom, who was picking me up. We went to Barnes & Noble while we waited and proceeded to talk for over a half hour. After my mom got me, my uncle and cousin left to drive back to Olympia.

Once we got home, I had to cocoon in my room for a few days. It was a lot of constant changing of plans over the four days and trying to manage my sensory issues.

Reflection

I originally was planning and wanting to try for four days of backpacking, while knowing that I would need to be very flexible since I didn't know how my body would hold up. I was thinking I would be able to do four days; they just might be shorter days. But that wasn't the case. In hindsight, I realized trying to backpack was a very big push for me. I thought I was keeping my goals small, because "well, I wasn't trying to thru-hike a long-distance trail." But the truth is, I have a chronic illness, I'm coming back from 3 years of limited activity, still regaining my endurance after a major surgery 9 months ago, and I haven't backpacked in four years. Even though at the time it felt like a massive failure and I was already grieving backpacking as another thing chronic illness has taken away while I was on trail, I'm coming to realize my "small" goals were actually rather large for me. My original backpacking trip was better set up for where I was at while also pushing my limits. I'm realizing starting small is maybe a 5-mile backpacking trip and only doing one night. And it might take me a few months or years to get to that point. Everything for me has to be slow and steady. Beyond the physical aspects, the degree to which my sensory disorder affects my life and ability to function makes backpacking incredibly difficult; it already can limit the amount I'm able to hike. As much as I hate to admit it, this attempt at backpacking was a humbling experience and helped me realize I need to take things slower, which really sucks when all I want to do is be able to hike and backpack NOW, lol.

With chronic illness, I've come to realize it's really important to be adaptable and willing to reduce or change plans. The four days we did stuff, plans were constantly changing. We considered car camping but decided we would all have a better time sleeping in real beds and then doing stuff during the day. We originally planned on doing stuff outdoors all the days, but my cousin's suggestion to go downtown changed what we were doing again and gave more variety.

It wasn't a failure; it was a success because, in the end, we all had a good time and enjoyed the variety of activities we did. I think the biggest lesson I've learned over the years is that not accomplishing my original plans or goals isn't a failure; the way I measure success is in my ability to change plans, not complete a rigid set of them. I hope that makes sense. Yes, I wasn't able to complete the entire backpacking trip, but I was able to do something different and more.

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